Every couple at some point will experience desire discrepancy, where one partner will want sex more than the other. It’s also inevitable that the erotic fire that fuels the beginning of a relationship will at some point die down.

One solution to these problems is deciding to open up. Sex positive spaces can provide you with opportunities for deep opening and emotional transformation, but they can also bring up your insecurities, your fears and other challenges.

If you decide to go down this path, we have three pieces of advice for you:

Do not try to push your partner into anything! To open up in any genuine way, one has to have permission to go at one's own pace, without pressure or expectation.
Before entering into an environment where something is likely to happen, have an honest discussion about what each of you is ready for! One might prefer to avoid such conversations -- or be less than 100% honest. Nonetheless, we have found in our relationship that the more we communicate honestly and courageously with ourselves and each other, the more we remain in resonance, even if we find that we have different wishes. And this will greatly reduce the risk of long-term damage to our relationship. Of course, what we want can always change - and that’s another reason to keep talking about it.
Remember: you always have permission to make mistakes. This can be difficult territory. Compassion for yourself and your partner is essential.

If you are interested in alternatives to monogamy, you can also have a listen to two interviews with Janet Hardy, co-author of The Ethical Slut, which she did while she was in Australia teaching at our festival in 2015. The first interview is with ABC Radio National; the second is a recording from a Skype interview she did with us during our first Melbourne RGS Festival in 2017.

We also recommend reading a new book that has come out recently about attachment theory and non-monogamy. Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Non-Monogamy by Jessica Fern

In love and lust,

Natalia Je and Peter Banki, Ph.D.

Erotic Living