Are any of us truly comfortable with sex? I don’t think so.
As a symptom of our discomfort, we might try to laugh it off or dismiss it, make hasty judgments about practices that threaten or excite us, or that we simply don’t understand. Today in the west there seems to be more erotic freedom than ever before; yet therapists and educators in the field keep telling us that when it comes to sex and intimacy, many of us still experience a great deal of shame, guilt, uncertainty and suffering.
For this reason, we believe that spaces where people feel free to express their sexuality and eroticism are so important today. Such spaces provide much needed possibilities for people to connect in ways that are generally not allowed in our culture, and precious opportunities for people to re-discover their creativity and inventiveness. They are not the equivalent of sex parties or swinger clubs, because they include a great deal of education through experiential workshops, as well as offering other activities, such as bodywork, dance, singing, music, eating together, bushwalking, swimming and socialising without pressure.
What differentiates them is that they are spaces where erotic expression is allowed in the widest sense. Such spaces are safer than other ways of connecting with people, because there is a group accountability mechanism built into the structure. This results in two things:
those who violate consent are called to account
people really get to know one another
But in my opinion, the greatest value of such spaces is that they break down the culturally-imposed barriers between our erotic interests and the rest of our lives. Our society puts a lot of judgement on those who enter these spaces, suggesting that they must not be committed partners, or that they are immature or otherwise untrustworthy. But in fact the opposite is true.
People who enter these spaces acknowledge that they have something more to learn about love and sexuality. They see the value of doing so openly and with others —in the same way they would learn any other skill or interest.
People not only have transformational experiences. They learn valuable life lessons they would be unlikely to learn otherwise: about their partner-choices, their relationship patterns and how they interact socially and erotically.
This work also presents marvellous opportunities for participants people to open up and allow themselves to be seen in their vulnerability. This in turn generates greater empathy and compassion. With time these gifts help us have the courage to actively challenge the values of mainstream society and can even lead us to change our life's direction (as happened to me).
To be honest, however, these spaces are not for everyone. I do not believe one should 'hard-sell' them. There is often emotional upheaval, as people find themselves confronted with emotions they are not used to or patterns of behaviour they are too used to. Each year I find that I am also challenged in a myriad of ways and constantly question myself.
Peter Banki, Ph.D
Director, Erotic Living
And if you're interested in the origins of Erotic Living, have a listen to a podcast from an interview I did in 2014 where I explain the vision and concept behind the first Festival we did under that name, which took place in January 2015 in Rushcutters Bay in Sydney.
In Love and Lust,
Peter Banki, Ph.D